I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
