I faked an abortion last night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My vagina is officially offended.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize