My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
