my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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