my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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