why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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