Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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