Moan for me like Helen Keller
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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