we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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