I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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