I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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