I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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