I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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