Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
