The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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