Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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