He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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