$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
