Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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