My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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