why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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