hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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