She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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