Soap is not a condiment
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
