she smelled like a LAN party
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
false alarm, still single
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
