I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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