This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
