My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
