How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
