My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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