I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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