The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize