I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
