I heard we made out
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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