I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
