Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
