he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
