If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize