I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
