fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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