WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
