1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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