There was a lot of him and a little penis
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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