Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
