onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
