so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
