Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
