i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
