dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
