i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
