Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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