Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
