I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
