...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
