and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
