He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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