I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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