drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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