I need help removing her.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
