I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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