she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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