I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize