Nicole vs. Life
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
