xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
