her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
