Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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